Hello
list,
I
haven’t been active on this list for while but I feel like I need to share.
Yesterday I was so tired that I decided finally just to straighten up my
office. I have a terrible problem with cluttering up my workspace and making
working in here impossible. So I’m turning over that I am going to spend half
an hour straightening up and half an hour grading.
First,
let me say how grateful I am to this list...five years ago when I joined it
around Christmas time I was working in a day care center despite having 60
graduate credits over a masters...under earning and under achieving. My husband
and I had been married for less than a year but we were really having
trouble...mostly, I thought, over money. I was hiding money in my sock drawer
and afraid to buy new underwear. One of the first posts I remember was a woman
on the list assuring me that it was ok to buy sunblock that didn’t break out my
face since I had to go outside with the kids for a few hours a day and have
pre-cancer on my face. Amazing that I thought so little of myself that I was
afraid to express this! Christmas that year was awful because my husband was
angry that he had to buy me presents and took the present I bought him back
that day. (Later, through the work we’ve done as a result of this program I
learned it was because he didn’t know how to use it...and didn’t want to admit
it. It was a VCR/DVD player and our TV was too old to hook it up without more
equipment.) Now when I think of how awful that morning is, I am so grateful for
this program...we now have been putting money in a savings account just for
Christmas so it’s not such a shock. Dennis is working on his feelings around
giving and I’m working on mine about giving to myself. I don’t have a secret
sock drawer but a savings account with $1600. I even remember discussing
whether or not I was healthy enough to have a puppy on this list and my fears
that I would abuse it. He’s four years old now and although I yelled at him
when he was little, people on this list helped me respond appropriately and
train him.
We
keep all our numbers on Quicken and this has made the anxiety in my house about
money diminish considerably. For several months, Dennis would freak out about
money and I was just able to print out a hard copy and show him where the money
was going. Whew! Also, by the way, I have some very nice professional clothes
to go to work in and I’ve recently added having my hair colored professionally
back into my life.
My
work-life has also changed dramatically. I am teaching three Holocaust History
courses at a community college...as an adjunct, but it is work I love. I’m also
working on Holocaust curriculum for secondary students with a world renowned
Holocaust scholar from
So,
here’s what I think I’m cluttering about...I went to a conference two weekends
ago on Holocaust Education and it was wonderful. I met some people who were
really encouraging me to get a PhD. So I got all excited about it. Dennis, my husband, might be able to move near
some of them so I am applying to the ones near these possibilities.
But,
I love our life here in
But
I am afraid that I will lose the nice life that I have. Fear fear fear. Also
that I won’t be accepted to the places I’m applying.
So,
I am going to continue to apply, do the footwork because applying is my
footwork. And Dennis and I could be happy somewhere else also, eh? It’s not the
geography that makes the marriage. I know this, but it is hard to imagine
change for the better, even though I’ve experienced so much of it.
So,
that’s the story.
One
day at a time. One task at a time J.
Jan 11/17/2006