I came to DA in Dec '92, after reaching yet another bottom in my life.I had been in "recovery" for 4 years, having made progress but still searchingfor answers and still fearing for my life.
I had realized (by Dec '92) that I had a multitude of addictions &assorted compulsive/obsessive issues, all contributing to my sense of beingrestless, irritable & discontented. I was, at that time, still unawareand in denial about having at least occasional bouts with depression.Destructive behavior patterns, spiritual bankruptcy and simply survivingwas the way I had learned to live, rather than living life joyous, happy& free.
I also violently attempted suicide in the spring of '81, right aftermy 20th birthday, after wanting to commit suicide for most of my life,after the failure of my 1st big geographic cure. I had thought moving awayfrom my home town and to a large city and becoming independent would solveall my problems. Wherever I went, there I was. I very nearly died but onthe plus side, the struggle to recover from all the very serious injuriesmade me a lot stronger. Lately I've been able to admit that I've had periodsof depression in my life of varying lengths, sometimes situational, andperhaps sometimes due to some kind of bi-polar disorder or chemical variety,which is very prominent on my Mother's side of the family.
My family of origin had been dysfunctional enough, and without gettinginto too many details I will say that it was probably more dysfunctionalthan most. My father was a chronic alcoholic, my Mother, a very severemanic depressive. They both had serious issues around money, they bothcame from poor farming backgrounds in the Canadian prarries. Their bloodlinesare from U.K. & Hungarian peasants, not rich in intellect but certainlyhardy stock. My Mother became a social climber wanting to impressthe Jonses, my Father was afraid of lack & although his optical businessbegan to prosper he was apparently pretty tight with the money.
I was born in 1961, the youngest of 4 children, and my Father was abad drunk & my Mother regularly "off her nut" (as my Dad used to say)by the time I came along.
My earliest recollections of money include feelings of great intensitywhen getting bits of money, walking to the corner store, spending everycent, and eating the candy or reading the comics or whatever with greatpleasure. I learned from an early age that money was a form of love, whetherthat be trying to express love to myself or someone else.
The seeds for workaholism were sown early, as I began working hard atpart-time jobs at age 14, but always the money was spent as soon as I gotit. My father always proudly bailed me out if I came up short & boughtme the larger-ticket items I couldn't buy myself. He loosened upwith his money as he got older, sicker & more apathetic about everything,including his own life. He sometimes gave me lump sums of several thousanddollars right up to just before his death in '82.
Money became a drug for me, as well as tying directly in to many issuesin my life, from low self-esteem to great fear of abandonment, to providinga means to mood alter chemically to just general self-abuse and co-dependency, to inability to express and/or deal with feelings. There are so many issuesrelated to and responsible for my money problems that I've almost losttrack. I get great comfort knowing that I only need to take action today,not try to analyze all the reasons why.
After getting some recovery from NA(Narcotics Anon), ACOA, SLAA(Sex& Love Addicts Anon), Nicotine Anonymous, CODA,, plus lots of group& individual therapy, countless recovery books, tapes, videos, workshops,etc., I had even started to attend an alternative Church to focus moreon spirituality. Finding a workable concept of a higher power was a
major struggle that involved a search for two years until I came acrossconcept that would work for me in the context of truly being able to workthe 12 steps without unbearable pain. I had to connect with an un-conditionalnon-anthropomorphic (read: not modeled after my parents or other authorityfigure) in order to be able to squarely face defects of character withoutoverwhelming pain.
The real danger (in my mind) was always that I would stop thinking aboutand planning suicide and just go ahead and kill myself. Depression, despondency,and hopelessness from the various situations I created for myself due tomy money issues and other sick behaviors became a serious threat to mylife and resulted in a multi-layered rock-bottom. I could no longer denyI seriously needed help and I could not recover on my own.
I heard about DA from a fellow ACOA who had read the "How to Get Outof Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously" book and who startedthe first DA meeting in Toronto in spring of '92. I heard about themeeting, and
I knew I needed help with money issues, but it still took 6 monthsto finally show up.
I had been in a relationship, and money had been an issue in this relationship,practically from the very start. It was the best, even with the money problems,relationship I'd had in my whole viciously co-dependent life. And I wasready to commit. But she was clear & honest when she told me why, andamong the reasons was the fact that she had very little to gain financiallyby moving in with me.
She was a person who made much less money than I, had no debt, lotsof nice things, and a substantial nest egg. I was very pissed off aboutthe whole thing, and never before had I felt so much shame about my financialsituation. I had worked so hard for so many years and had nothing to showfor it but debt, a Corvette sports car (that always needed expensive maintenance) and some expensive clothing & electronics. I began to feel hopeless,and knew that I'd been licked as I had never been able to do anything butlive paycheck to paycheck and as I got access to more and more credit,run up steadily increasing
debts.
I had begun to live the pattern of being a binge spender, sometimesimpoverishing myself, feeling guilty and ashamed due to past overspending/debting,until it all built up to the next binge. Revenue Canada had started callingdemanding full payment for taxes owed and I twice had to secure bank loansto pay my taxes. It finally became obvious to me that no matter what mysituation or income level I'd always spend more than I made. It began tohaunt my thoughts more & more, sometimes waking up in the morning worriedabout money. I felt shame & anger when others discussed money, investing,and buying houses & stuff. I heard someone say that "It can be sortof romantic to be broke when young, but a penniless old person is nothingbut pathetic" and agreed. I was 31 and not getting younger and startedto have visions of retiring penniless and in debt, living off the system& maybe pan-handling or eating pet food. I began to feel suicide become(yet again) a viable option for me.
My first DA meeting was very small, about 5 people or so, but what arelief! They were all just ordinary people just like me, but with verysimilar money problems as me. What a great boost to be able to share openlyabout the taboo subject of money and hear others share. It was so unbelievablyrefreshing & hopeful to find others willing to deal openly with theirmoney issues! My hope began to be restored.
I read all the literature and the "How To..." Mundis book andstarted to keep records of all income & spending. This was very hardfor me in the beginning and a LOT of pain & assorted intense feelingssurfaced, and I'm not really sure where it all came from, and felt ashamedof the intense feelings and did not always get a very good response fromthe other members of my DA group when I tried to express my pain aroundrecord keeping, but I persevered & learned and gradually the pain startedto subside & I started to feel some of the benefits, an increase inself esteem & security, especially after starting to do a spendingplan.
Had my first pressure relief meeting after keeping records for 3 months,just to review my records, and it was a great help, and created my firstspending plan right after. I've only had about 6 pressure relief meetings;it has been difficult with such a tiny fellowship that has very highturnover. I've had to compromise some- but they have been very helpfuland even essential at times of high anxiety over money. I've had severalP-meetings by phone using Bell's 3-way calling feature.
I've committed to being regular at my weekly meeting and have had thegreat satisfaction of watching my debts slowly but surly melt away untillast April '96, when I gleefully marched into the bank and personally paidoff the last of my debt. I great moment for me, to be sure, but alsonot as sweet as I had imagined. Just as I had to learn in the beginningof my DA recovery that I am not my debts or material things or income orwhatever, I am also not my solvency, savings, etc. At one time Ihad
thought that once I recover from my money problems, then the last ofmy major issues would be taken care of and I'd live happily ever after,but I was still feeling occasionally suicidal.
I heard about a meeting of AA Big Book fundamentalists in the Torontoarea, named "The Muckers" for the way they study the BB, marking up thepages as they pair up and guide one another through the BB text in a detailed,action oriented way- closely following the way of the first 100 torecover in AA. That was in June '96, and after covering the 1st 88 pagesof the BB and another rigorous application of the steps, I had a spiritualexperience unlike anything I've ever known before and
felt incredible, and "amazed before I was halfway through" as the BigBook says in the promises, page 83. I would highly recommend this experiencefor anyone who has not had it, it is incomparable. I began to pray severaltimes throughout the day, as well as first thing in the morning.
Learning about the history of AA from various sources and reading AABig Book literature has become an important part of my recovery. I wasfirst turned on to the profound significance of the original writing ofthe first 88 (unchanged since the original printing of the Big Book in1939) pages of the Big Book after hearing tapes of a Big Book study leadby two AA old timers Joe & Charlie from Arkansas. They travel arounddoing weekend Big Book studies that also include discussion of the historyof the Big Book and the AA fellowship. First I listened to the tapes, wasprofoundly affected, then saw them in person for a weekend workshop inToronto. I now know an appreciation for the miracle that occurred whena few white-collar low-bottom drunks recovered from a life-threateningspiritual sickness that was previously thought to be terminal. As I readthe literature and learn the history of the miracle that developed between1935 and 1940 I gain much insight into the true nature of my own
comparable disease and the recovery that is possible. I know it isimportant to identify with Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, and find the same solutionsthat led to their recovery from chronic alcoholism.
It is from the same spiritual program and simple, but not easy, toolsthat resulted in recovery that will affect all areas of my life.
But despite all that I know I can only have but a daily reprieve ofrelief from the burden of selfish self-centeredness that had always poisonedmy life.
I have begun to feel I am doing God's will for me and am incrediblygrateful for all my recovery and abundance that I have received. It seemstoday that the more happy, satisfied, and grateful I am for what I havetoday the more I seem to have provided for me. There are endless opportunitiesand I truly feel prosperous today. I have a nice apartment in a great uptownneighborhood of Toronto, a good luxury/sports car (paid off) and a growinginvestment portfolio. I have a secure, decent
paying job with a great company and I even like the people I work with.I have taken a number of solvent vacations, one to a Caribbean island.I am currently in a great relationship with an incredible woman who isfar from under-earning, having broken the pattern of previous partner selections. I look forward to a secure, comfortable retirement, God willing and ifI stay in this
program. I came to DA to learn to handle money and have received somuch more. One of the great benefits of my DA recovery has been a considerableboost in my self-esteem. I used to be a door mat in many ways.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, everyone, thanks for keeping the DAfellowship alive by coming back, and keep coming back, as I could NEVERhave made such remarkable progress alone.
Trudgin'
A gratefully recovering compulsive debtor & spender,
(name witheld in the interest of preserving anonymity)