Our Main Purpose in DA
by an anonymous member of Debtors Anonymous
This recovery story is made available by a member of DA under two conditions: (1) no name is attached, and (2) nobody makes any money off it. Feel free to read it for your own inspiration, and for that of your own local DA group.
Our main purpose in DA is to not create new unsecured debt, one day at a time. Everything else we do supports this.
We need to make sure our basic needs are taken care of, so that we won't go into deprivation mode and binge-spend again. We need to handle food, shelter, etc. We need to learn to nurture ourselves. This was hard for me, 'cause the only way I had nurtured myself before DA was to spend money on luxuries or go on a shopping spree. I have learned how to take hot baths, go for walks, play music, chat with a friend over tea, play with children I value, pursue creative endeavors, read, sit in a sunny window, curl up in a blanket and read, and other things that make me feel better without spending.
In DA we do commit to paying our debts. All of them. Not necessarily quickly (it is a beneficial spiritual practice, actually, to pay slowly and steadily) but we do commit to paying... we incurred the debt and we are responsible for our own actions. We stand tall and admit our past, and we commit to making amends for those things we agreed upon but then did not fulfill.
As addicts, in our past we might fabricate in our minds how evil our creditors were and therefore make up reasons we might not want to ever pay them back. We might believe that we would die before the debts came due. We might believe that we were so special that somehow people wouldn't actually make us pay them back... especially if those we borrowed from were family and friends.
In actuality, we contracted to use money that belonged to someone else, and to repay it in a specific way. We have not lived up to our side of the bargain. If anyone is to be blamed for a bad relationship in this agreement, it is us. But blame takes us into a shame spiral and we mean to recover. Shame can keep us from recovery. Therefore, we own the wreckage of the past and admit our part. Then we proceed to build a new life ***which does not include new debt*** so that we can pay back what we rightfully do owe others.
(Actually, our credit agreements usually do include the right of the creditor to charge late fees and interest during any time we don't pay the full amount we agreed upon. So even though now we may feel that these fees are "unfair," if the creditor sticks to their rights in our agreement, they are not wrong in doing so.)
When we first come to DA we have to figure out what it takes us to live without credit, one day/week/month at a time. We've lived in the future for so long that we don't know our real costs. It causes a big shock on the system to say "OK, I won't debt any more... I'll pay things on time and not kite checks, not charge anything, not borrow from mom or my brother." If we've been borrowing tomorrow's funds to pay yesterday's expenses, this causes a major crimp in current cashflow, immediately. But if we are committed to not debting one day at a time, we find ways to stabilize. (This need to discover our actual needs is one of the reasons that newcomers are encouraged to start writing down everything they spend, right away.)
This living-in-the-future wreckage means that early in DA, we often do dramatic things to achieve stability. We may take on odd jobs, we may sell valuables if we have any. We may have a garage sale, babysit, etc. We may choose to give up certain expenses for one week or month (therapy, piano lessons) to help stabilize. We eat what is in the freezer and cupboards as much as possible. Sometimes we take advantage of programs available in our communities: free prescriptions, food banks, etc. We may not renew memberships or subscriptions we've had for years, knowing we can restart when things are more stable. These things are temporary but usually necessary to let us start living in the present, with present money.
One thing that we often start to look at is the earning side of the equation. We have been spending more than we earn. So decreasing spending and/or increasing income can make things better. Therefore, some of us start looking at different ways to create income over a longer term. This can't be done immediately but it often is part of early recovery. Sometimes we take what we call a "recovery job." This is a job which brings in a higher income than we had before, and may not be what we see as a permanent career move. It helps us stabilize. It can be a real blessing.
While we stabilize, it sometimes becomes apparent that we can not handle our basic needs if we continue to pay what our creditors say is our minimum payment to them. This "pushes our buttons" in several ways. One, that means that we are no longer invisible to the creditors. They may start calling us asking for payment. Two, this means that our credit rating, that holy grail, will not be good any longer. Three, this means that we did not honor our agreement to our creditors... and for many of us, we had always put making them happy over our own happiness.
I am happy to say that we don't NEED a good credit rating. If you are not going to debt again, if you never need to borrow money, if you never apply for another credit card, then you don't need a credit rating. For some crazy reason we have made the good credit rating a more important part of our lives than staying in touch with beloved friends. We've spent time and energy keeping the credit rating good at the expense of time spent with those who really matter to us over time. This is the insanity of addiction. Just as some alcoholics tell themselves they aren't "that bad" because they never drink before noon or only drink wine, we tell ourselves we really aren't "that bad" because we still have a good credit rating and we're still getting pre-approved credit card offers in the mail. The sole purpose of a credit rating is to get more credit. And we are not going to be going into more debt in DA. So we don't need the credit rating.
Slight digression -- I can hear the groans now: "what if I need a car?" "What if we want to buy a house?" I assure you, many dependable cars can be purchased by cash. If you aren't going into debt one day at a time, you can save instead, and use that savings for a car if need be. And many of us DA members, including myself, have purchased homes after a few years in the program.
I think I'd been in program for 2-1/2 years when I got my home... no cosigner. Yes, I had "blips" on my credit report. And the mortgage company wanted to approve me. So they asked me to explain the blips. And with the help of my Pressure Relief Group (PRG) I wrote a letter "explaining" those blips in a way they could accept. And I got the loan. The first one I applied for. For a decent rate of interest, etc. I will also note here that since I was in DA, I didn't try to buy a house out of my range. I purchased a house which was about half the price the real estate agent and mortgage company said I could "afford" (read: could probably make the payments, and a higher house price would make them a higher profit... so the "afford" was about their needs for me, not my own needs). I loved that house. I sold it last year, three years after I'd married and moved my living space into my husband's home.
End of digression.
In this process of not debting one day at a time, we need to make our current outgo the same or less than our income. Therefore, sometimes at first we are unable to make our agreed payments to creditors. This is the point where we call and talk with the creditors, often letting them know that we do intend to pay in full but we regret that we can not pay it back under the original agreement we entered into. We will be able to pay $X per month and no more for a while. Of course, we will increase our payments if at any time our situation changes. This is where the conversation on negotiating with creditors comes in. We work very hard at not making promises we can't keep. We tell them the truth about our situation. We try to keep open communications. We always admit responsibility for the debt, but we remember that we are not our debt and so we keep our heads high while we communicate. And we always acknowledge that we are committed to paying the entire amount owed, but it will take longer than we had originally agreed.
Some people come here and ask about making deals with the creditor to write off the debt for a payment amount which is only a percentage of the amount due. I believe this is a shaky recovery practice. I guess personally I would not feel bad if they agreed to take off the late fees and interest, but I believe it is important for us to pay back at least the full amount of money that we actually borrowed and used. And truthfully, they charge interest so that they can make a business profit. Just like we go to work to make an income, they make their income from interest on borrowed money. So I'd say that isn't inherently bad, it just feels crummy when we see the amount due. That is the wreckage of our past, however, agreeing to things that were not in our best interest. It is not necessary to make the creditor an evil personage in our minds, as we sometimes tend to do.
Sometimes we get mixed up about personalities when we have bad experiences with collectors. They may play all sorts of games (shame especially) to get us to pay. They do this because it works. And truth be known, many collectors get paid a percentage (often 10-50%) of what you send. That is often their sole income. So they may be also fighting to keep a cashflow in their own lives, and may be desperate enough for money that they say mean things to get you to send in a payment.
Remember that the collector is only one person who works on behalf of the creditor. And they are not the creditor itself. They also are trying to collect what you already agreed to pay, so they may play games in their minds to see *you* as the villain, and not worry about whether you like them. If collectors prove a problem, you can send a registered letter to the creditor insisting that all communications be handled via mail.
So: of course, we want to communicate with our creditors. And telling them that what we owe them is only a small part of what we owe overall is good communication. Telling them we're willing to pay it all over time is good. Truthfully, I had such a nice relationship with one creditor's representative that I kinda was sad when I made my last payment. I was going to miss talking with her. So I called her and said goodbye. This can happen if we stand tall and never promise what we won't do.
I've talked too long AGAIN!!! But I am always a bit worried when we have a whole lot of newcomers and we get talking about negotiating. It is like putting the cart before the horse. The first thing is NO NEW DEBT one day at a time. We write down our money because we need to know our needs one day at a time in order to stick to our committment not to debt. We negotiate with creditors (to lower our monthly payment amount) so that we won't put ourselves in a position where we feel so much stress that we cope by debting again. We do all things in this program to support our first goal: no new debt one day at a time.
Blessings and love
to all... newcomer and oldtimer alike. Keep what you
like and leave the
rest.