Resentments
by an anonymous member of Debtors Anonymous
This recovery story is made available by a member of DA under two conditions: (1) no name is attached, and (2) nobody makes any money off it. Feel free to read it for your own inspiration, and for that of your own local DA group.
...My sponsor reminds me that I may have **justified** resentments, but that resentments can cause me to debt even if they are justified. Therefore we need to work the steps on all our resentments so that we can stay clean and not-debting one day at a time. We can be selfish, deciding to let go of the resentment for our own benefit, knowing that our resentment may in fact be justifiable.
The best tool I know for dealing with resentments is a mini-4th step. Rather than "searching and fearless" which is wording that seems to keep many recovering people from approaching the 4th step, I do "specific and in-spite-of-my-anger." I make 4 columns on a page turned sideways. First column, who/what am I angry/resentful at? Second column, *what* did they do/say that am I angry/resentful about? Column 3, what does this affect in my life? Column 4, what is my part in this? Just do it. Write and write until you have nothing left to write. You don't have to do the entire history of your life, every resentment and moral defect in you... you just need to do it with the focus of this particular resentment and/or anger that is holding you back, that is endangering your recovery.
The other really effective tool for resentments is to pray for the other person. It is a spiritual practice of trust to pray for someone who you have experienced as hurtful or manipulative. Trust in the process... that the act of praying for them will help you. I tend to pray "may they have in their life what would make them most happy." I figure if they were happy, they wouldn't feel the need to do things that hurt me. And I can honestly say that I'd wish that for anyone on this earth, that they be happy. I'm guessing that some of the most destructive people in the history of our earth might not have done their destruction if they were happy and contented. So I pray, saying the words even when it's hard to ***feel*** it. And it helps me.
The resentments take a while to lessen but they will if we are dedicated to the process. It's OK to do it from a totally selfish mode... because if you do it, you will recover more completely. You don't do it for them although you pray for them. You do it totally because you must, if you want to go on to a more solid recovering life.
The other thing that might be at play is the possibility that this woman has healthy boundaries in her life about what she can reasonably do and can not do. Addicts like us have a tendency to disregard our needs and give in to the requests and demands of others. In recovery I've learned the word "boundaries," then discovered what those might possibly entail, then started to slowly actually set them for myself. Some people have inflexible boundaries, it is true, but an addict will usually see someone else's boundaries as an affront.
The first way I learned to set some boundaries for myself was in replying to a request for a favor. Instead of answering "sure, what do you need?" I learned to say, "what is the favor?" I mean, why would *anyone* say yes to a favor before knowing what the favor was??? Yet we addicts do this as a matter of course. Proof that we don't set reasonable boundaries for ourselves. Of course, if we are constantly over-giving and feeling put out because we have no boundaries and thus do things for others we don't want to do, we easily can become resentful when others don't give of themselves in the same way.
The serenity prayer is a big help in untangling this stuff. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Rule #1: We can't change things outside ourselves. We can't change people, places or things. We can change our attitudes and our actions. So we can ask someone to help. Then we must let go of their response.